Know your options

First and foremost, get informed. Read what you can on the internet, there is a great deal of information available. Use your local library as a resource. Visit the Family Law Information Centre available at many of the court houses. Schedule a consultation with a lawyer.

Will it be a friendly divorce where you can work through the issues at the kitchen table? Perhaps a do-it-yourself kit available online will do the trick and you’d like to file the papers yourself. The advantage of course is the cost. However, it can be time consuming, confusing and frustrating.

Can you sort some or all of the issues out by yourselves? Maybe mediation is the best fit for your family. The advantages are that you pay only one professional, you have complete control over the decisions, you set the pace and it is less stressful than court.

Mediation allows you to have the legal process as a fall back. This is not a suitable option if there are significant power imbalances or domestic violence.

Maybe you feel that you are not able to negotiate with your ex-partner and require a lawyer to handle everything but you don’t want to go to court. Collaborative lawyers can help you both work through your issues under an agreement that you will not go to court. This can be less stressful and less costly than the traditional divorce process. If you do not however resolve your issues and you wish to proceed to court you must retain new lawyers.

Of course there is always the traditional divorce process.  Each of you will hire a lawyer to litigate every issue that comes up. This is the most stressful and most costly option.

Know your goals:

• Do you want to reduce conflict and confusion for your children?
• Do you want to keep some of the family money to be used for your new lives instead of costly legal battles?
• Do you want to encourage a good relationship between your children and your ex?
• Do you want to be able to go to your children’s extra-curricular activities, graduation and wedding without shooting daggers at your ex? Do you really want to make these exciting events stressful for your children?

The reality is that there is no one-size fits all divorce. What works for your family may not work for another.

Creating a parenting plan, by any means, as a first step in your separation is vital to a successful separation. Staying focused on your children allows you to start communicating and making decisions within the boundaries of your new relationship.

Normally lack of trust and emotions factor into how detailed a parenting plan should be. The less trust between the parents, the more detailed the plan should be. Both parents should have a voice and communicate directly regarding what is best for the children.

Once your parenting responsibilities are sorted you can move on more successfully with other aspects of your separation.  

Create a divorce transition plan that works for your family. There is no right or wrong way to go about that, plans can be as unique as your family.

Making positive choices during your divorce is the biggest success factor for how well your children handle and remember the transition.